A Cruel And Unusual Torture
by finkpishnets
Summary: Oneshot. 'Have you actually looked at this list, Prongs' Sirius asked, grabbing a crumpled ball of paper from beside his elbow and chucking it at the other boys’ head. 'We have to run and shoot and dance, for Merlin’s sake'


Title: A Cruel and Unusual Torture (or: How the Professors of Hogwarts Learnt a Valuable Lesson)

Author: finkpishnets

Fandom: Harry Potter

Rating: T

Warnings: Strong language, slash.

Characters/Pairings: MWPP, R/S

Spoilers: None

A/N: This is extremely random, extremely fluffy, and extremely stupid but it was a fun idea that wouldn't leave me alone. Un-beta'd.

It was the Marauders' sixth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry when, in a fit of lemon-drop induced insanity, Professor Dumbledore and his fellow teaching staff cronies decided that the students needed More Exercise. Apparently studying was no longer enough for them and they were determined to thoroughly crush the remaining souls of the children in their care. It wasn't as though the kids never did _anything_ involving the speedy movement of limbs and increased heart-rates, it was simply that those things they _did_ do were generally frowned upon and could certainly not be put in their term report cards home; at least not if they wanted to avoid several tiresome law suits.

And so it began; a week full of sweaty bodies, excess endorphins and miserable teenagers.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

"Oy, chaps, have you seen this?" James Potter announced loudly as he crashed clumsily into the dorm room, tripping unceremoniously over a pair of his own shoes in the process.

"Yes, we've seen it," Sirius Black replied somewhat glumly from his position cross-legged on his bed. "Moony's taken to manically reading every book he has that even mentions sport and Wormtail hasn't moved for the past half an hour. He may be dead. I haven't checked."

"Oy, Pete, you alive, mate?" James asked casually, throwing one of the shoes by his face at the other boy and receiving a mild grunt in response. "Yup; it's just shock. To be expected. I think the most exercise Wormtail's got in the past six years was when he was in rat form and Mrs Norris chased him back to Gryffindor Tower last month."

"Urgh!" Peter Pettigrew replied, burrowing his head further into his arms.

"You seem awfully alright about this, Jim," Sirius remarked suspiciously, narrowing his eyes.

"Yeah, well, it won't be too bad will it? I love Quidditch and that's sport."

"Have you actually _looked_ at this list, Prongs?" Sirius asked, grabbing a crumpled ball of paper from beside his elbow and chucking it at the other boys' head. "We have to run and shoot and _dance_, for Merlin's sake!"

"We _what_?!" James squeaked, hurriedly scanning the list in hopes that Sirius was pulling his leg.

"And tomorrow we have to _swim_. In the _lake_. In the _morning_."

A strangled sob came from somewhere to their left muffled by a cocoon of old leather and several rainforests. James had to assume that it was either Remus or a lost house elf.

"There there, Moony; it'll be alright," Sirius answered, patting the book nearest to him in consolation.

"I can't dance! I have two left feet. My mum tried to hire me a dance teacher when I was a kid and the woman left in tears after half an hour!" James flopped hopelessly back onto his bed.

"Don't expect me to sympathise with you," Sirius told him. "You just don't want Evans to see that you're not perfect at everything. Not that she isn't aware of that already. Bloody selfish of you if you ask me."

"Oh, _please_, like you're not worried that the whole school's going to see how penguin-legged you are when forced to run."

"Well, yes, that will be rather humiliating. Still, it's not as bad as poor Remus here; he can't swim, remember?" Another sob answered him. "And Wormtail's got an arm like a _girl_. Can't throw further than two metres."

"Urgh!" replied Peter.

"So I think it's safe to say that we're all in for a tough time of it. Our reputation will be sullied. Our good names besmirched. Our general awe-inspiring abilities…"

"_Yes_, Sirius," James interrupted, downtrodden. "We get the idea."

A choking sound came from behind towered textbooks.

"Urgh!" replied Peter.

**Saturday**

Waking up at five a.m. on a wintry Saturday morning had to be one of the cruellest forms of torture ever invented. The sound of four varying alarm clocks rang out impending doom as their owners buried themselves firmly under their duvets and tried, unsuccessfully, to pretend that they were not about to be forced into icy water during a horrid Scottish November.

"_Jaaaames_," Sirius whined pitifully. "Make it go away!"

"I can't. Remus, _you_ make it go away."

"Make Pete do it."

"Nu-uh! Sirius is closest."

"How am I closest? There are four different alarm clocks."

"You're tallest therefore you're closest," Pete mumbled, half asleep. "So there."

"Bloody logic," Sirius muttered. Scowling, he threw his blanket back and swung his legs over the edge of his bed. "_Fine_! I'm up! Now, wakey wakey."

"Guh! _Remus_, make him _stop_!"

"Make Pete do it."

A pillow soared through the air and slammed into Sirius' head with immaculate aim. "There," Pete muttered, "Idiot; you're standing within two metres of me."

"Unless everyone wants to start their morning's icy water escapades right now, I suggest you move," Sirius threatened, fetching his wand off his night stand and aiming it at them all in turn.

"Remus, he's your bloody boyfriend; can't you make him go away?" James grumbled as he miserably got out of his warm, comfy bed and stepped onto freezing tile.

"James, he's your bloody best friend; can't you make him go away?" Remus mocked, following suit.

"Touché."

"I'm offended. See if I do you chaps a favour in the future. And Moony, I thought you loved me!" he batted his eyelashes melodramatically at the sandy haired boy and received a half hearted smack and a full hearted kiss for his efforts.

"I do," Remus replied, breaking away. "Just not at fuck-knows-when in the morning."

"Fair enough," Sirius grinned and began rummaging through his trunk for his never before used swimming trunks.

"I'm going to take a quick shower," Remus told them, grabbing a large bundle of items from under his bed and moving swiftly towards the bathroom.

"Why? Take one _after_ we've been drenched in gross lake water," Peter told him reasonably, having managed to tear himself away from his pillow.

"Yes, well, you know me, Mr Cleanliness…anyway…"

The other boys watched befuddled as the door slammed shut then shrugged their shoulders and headed down to the grounds, dread intensifying every step. Most of their year group were already present including a good handful of Slytherins, but it was testament to the stupid hour and the dire situation they all found themselves in that nobody tried to start anything. It was most surreal.

Five minutes later, Lily Evans appeared wearing a jacket over a blue one piece that had James feeling all funny inside. He was about to make another, rather feeble attempt at wooing her when someone else caught his eye.

A rather familiar someone else.

_Oh, sweet Merlin!_

"Remus, what the _hell_ are you _wearing_?" James exclaimed loudly, staring at his friend in a mixture of disbelief, horror and amusement.

"They are called armbands, thank you very much. They shall keep me afloat. And the goggles will keep water out of my eyes." Remus replied haughtily, which was somewhat ruined by the high pitched noise that accompanied it.

"What's that thing on your nose?" Peter asked, smothering a smirk.

"It's a nose plug," Remus glared, or at least it looked like he was glaring; it was impossible to tell beneath the bright blue plastic that covered half his face.

"Well, I think you look _charming_, Moony," Sirius told him sincerely, grinning in a dopey way that only someone truly love-struck could accomplish.

"Pads old chap, you are much too far gone," James told him, shaking his head in a disgusted way and moving towards the assembled group of grumbling sixth year students all huddled together for warmth.

"Now, this is going to be very simple," Professor McGonagall proclaimed from where she'd just arrived looking as strict as ever. "You shall go in groups of ten. Each group shall swim to the other end of the lake and then back again. You shall repeat this as many times as you can before I blow my whistle. And Mr Lupin, _what on earth are you wearing_?"

"They're arm bands, Professor," James explained when Remus simply turned a bright shade of scarlet. "And goggles. They're to keep him afloat and stop water getting in his eyes."

"And that's a nose plug," Peter added helpfully. "You know, to stop water going up his nose."

"Yes, _thank you_, Mr Potter, Mr Pettigrew; I think Mr Lupin can speak for himself. Now, take those silly things off, you shan't be needing them."

Remus looked terrified as he began to remove his extra accessories with wide eyes, wrapping his arms around himself when he was done and looking particularly vulnerable. Sirius moved closer and put his arm around his boyfriends waste comfortingly, feeling vaguely giddy when Remus lowered his head onto his shoulder despite their upcoming peril.

"Now, Gryffindor shall go first. Line up here everyone."

"I'm going to stand close to Professor McGonagall," Remus told his friends. "If I drown, I want her to be able to see."

"Fair enough." The four boys wandered down to the far right of the line, shivering as they did so and thinking, not for the first time, that their teachers were all really sadists.

"Right, on your marks. Get set. Go...Mr Lupin, I said 'Go'!"

"Argh!"

There was a loud splash and then a spluttering noise as two heads burst through the waters surface.

"Mr Lupin!" Professor McGonagall screamed, "I did _**not**_ mean for you to take me with you!"

**Sunday**

"Now," Professor Sinastra said, pacing up and down the line of rather terrified students. "Dancing is an art, it is an adventure, and it is a _joy_. Anyone can dance if they just put their mind to it. We are going to start with a very simple waltz; please partner up."

There was a mad dash as people raced to find a partner. Peter had grabbed a pretty blonde Hufflepuff named Penny as she passed and was holding onto her for dear life whilst James swung around in circles trying to find Lily amongst the crowds only to spot her already partnered up a few moments later.

"Potter, Black, Lupin, I asked you to find partners," Sinastra scolded forcefully.

"We have, Professor," Sirius told her cheekily. "Remus is my partner. You never specified that it had to be someone of the opposite sex, and besides, that would be rather bigoted."

Sinastra stared between him and Remus for several long moments before sighing dramatically and throwing her arms over her head. "Fine, _fine_. Mr Potter, you shall be with me."

James stared at her in horror as she grabbed his hand and put her other arm over his shoulder. "Now, it's a simple 1, 2, 3, like so…" She took a step backwards and pulled James with her, making him fall into her. "Now Mr Potter, do try to keep up. You simply take a step forwards, one to the side, and then another to close your legs together. Simple."

"Right," James muttered. "Right. Forward, sideways, together. I can do that." With a deep breath he moved forwards, tripped over his shoelace and went flying.

His landing was, fortunately, soft, but it took him a few moments to realise why.

"Potter, you idiot!" Lily Evans screeched, eyes ablaze as she stormed towards him and pushed him out of the way. Below him lay a rather stunned Professor Sinastra who was holding her ankle in pain and obviously trying very hard not to swear as she gulped in large breaths and bit the inside of her cheek.

"I take it back," she gasped as several students rushed to call Madam Pomfrey. "Not everyone can dance."

"Well Jim," Pete said, slapping him sympathetically on the back. "You beat your own record. Five minutes flat before she was carted off in tears."

The class began to file out, whispering manically and pointing at him as they passed, girls giggling and guys smirking.

James dropped back onto the floor with a groan, rubbing his ribs where they'd begun to bruise and looking up when Sirius called his name.

"Look, Prongs, we're dancing!"

"Um, mate, I can't say that I'd call that dancing," James replied with a wide grin. "But I _can_ tell you that you'd be arrested if you tried it in public."

**Monday**

"What the buggering hell is _that_?" Sirius asked in disbelief as he stared at the metallic monstrosity in front of him.

"It's called a bicycle; muggles use them as a form of entertainment as well as transport," Remus told him with a smile. "I have one at home."

"There's no need to be so smug," Peter grumbled, prodding his own bike with a suspicious finger. "Just because this is something you know how to do."

"It doesn't look too bad," James commented half heartedly, swinging his legs over the saddle. "It's sort of like a broom with peddles."

"Exactly!" Remus patted Sirius on the shoulder. "You'll be just _fine_."

"Right everyone, off we go. Try not to fall behind," Professor Vestra called from her place at the front of the line, grinning broadly and looking vaguely psychotic in a purple, lycra _thing_ and sporting a rather ugly helmet. Remus quickly climbed onto his bicycle and set off after her with one last smile at his sceptical friends.

"I don't like the look of this; I don't like the look of this _at all_," Peter told the other two, arms crossed over his chest and eyes narrowed.

"I'm with you there, mate. Come on, better get going." James began moving his feet to get the peddles rotating, wobbling a bit as he began to move.

"Did everyone forget that I have _no_ sense of balance?" Sirius whimpered pathetically. "I can't even walk in a straight line unless I'm pissed out of my face!"

"You'll be alright, Padfoot. Just keep your eyes forward. Shit, they're calling for us to keep up."

"I think," Peter muttered angrily, "that they can all go to hell. Who the bloody fuck thought it was a good idea to put peddles on a pair of tyres and call it _fun_? Were they _insane_?"

"Probably," James replied, wobbling as he steered one handed whilst pushing his glasses back up his sweaty nose. Suddenly there was a loud crashing noise from behind them followed by a series of distinctly boy-sounding grunts and an impressive arrangement of expletives.

There was a pause and then: "I'm alright!"

**Tuesday**

"Archery," Professor Flitwick told them from atop his wooden step ladder, "is one of the oldest and finest sports known to mankind. The bow and arrow is mostly famously used for hunting but later became a source of folly as well with competitors aiming at non moving targets. You should all know of the famous muggle, Robin Hood, who was the most promising archer in history. Now, it's very simple, you just load your arrow in your bow, like this, and then take aim and…fire!" His arrow flew through the air and hit the round target a little way off centre. "Now, when it's not your turn, stand back so you don't get hurt. That's it."

"I can't do this," Remus whispered, his face paling considerably.

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked worriedly, putting his hand on his boyfriends shoulder.

"_This_! You heard what Flitwick said; it's a famous form of _hunting_. As in _animals_." He gave his friends a meaningful look.

"Oh, right. Well, I mean, you're not aiming at animals now," James said, watching over his shoulder as Lily Evans made a perfect shot.

"It's the principle!"

"Just…I don't know, close your eyes or something."

Remus took a deep breath. "Fine." He placed his arrow shakily into the bow and took aim, scrunching his eyes firmly closed.

He felt the arrow soar away from him and then the distant sound of it making contact followed by a muffled moan.

"Uh, Moony?"

"Yes?" Remus replied shakily, keeping his eyes tightly shut.

"I think you just hit Professor Flitwick."

**Wednesday**

"Why _running_? Do you think God _intended_ people to run? No!"

"Sirius, stop complaining; it's not that bad," Remus consoled wrapping an arm around the taller boys shoulder.

"Not that bad? Trust me, it's bad. It's beyond bad. It's Bad with a capital 'Shit!"

"Trust me, Remus, when he says it's bad he's not exaggerating. Sirius and running go about as well together as Snivellus and shampoo," James stated, obviously trying to hide a grin.

"Why can't I run as Padfoot? Now _animals_ were created to run what with having four legs and all. Me? Not so much."

"Really, Sirius, you'll be OK, just…try to keep back so nobody sees you."

"Thanks for that Wormtail."

"You're welcome."

"Alright everybody, line up, that's it. Now, when I blow my whistle you'll all begin. You're running to that red flag in the distance. Got it? Good," Slughorn boomed. "On your marks…get set…" There was a sharp shrill and everyone began moving at once.

Well, almost everyone.

"My god, Sirius," Peter called, "you look about as dignified as an elephant on speed!"

"Fuck you."

**Thursday**

"Haven't they given up by now?" Remus complained as they hobbled down to the Quidditch Pitch in agony, holding onto each other for support.

"Nope; they are going to put us through this until they have destroyed our souls. Or we _die_," James told him melodramatically, wincing as he stumbled over a stone.

"It's just not fair!" Sirius whined. "We're too young to be tormented like this! And too pretty."

"Too true my friend," James nodded. "Ow, my head!"

"Everyone's going to _laugh_ at me," Peter sobbed. "I'm going to look like a _girl_."

"Yep; it's only fair though. We've all been made to look like utter prats so now it's your turn," Sirius told him good naturedly.

"Urgh!"

They reached the playing field to find Professor Kettleburn ginning brightly and handing out small leather balls. "Now, if you get the hang of this then maybe we can start of a good old game of cricket later on. Sporting. Right chaps, it's simple enough, you just throw the ball to me and I catch it. OK, Pettigrew, you first."

Nervously, Peter took position, bent back his arm and chucked the ball as hard as he could. There was the sound of leather meeting flesh and then deafly silence.

"Well, you threw it further than two metres, mate," Sirius said, slapping him on the back. "D'you think someone should get Professor Kettleburn to the Hospital Wing? That's going to leave a nasty bump."

**Friday**

There was a generally downtrodden and miserable atmosphere filling the Great Hall during breakfast on Friday morning and the Marauders found themselves at the centre of it.

"We're a laughing stock," Sirius sobbed, dropping his head onto the table and only avoiding a face full of porridge thanks to Remus' foresight. "How are we ever going to inspire awe again?"

"Hell if I know," James murmured, picking at his bacon despondently. "Where on earth's Pete?"

"No clue," Remus said, helping himself to a large mug of coffee.

"If I can have your attention, please," Professor Dumbledore called from the rather empty Head Table. "Due to some…unfortunate accidents, there is now a shortage of staff available for today's exercise programme. Therefore, I am afraid that we are going to have to call it off. Have a good weekend and classes shall go back to normal as of Monday."

A dull roar spread throughout the hall as people cheerfully responded to the news.

"Oh, thank goodness," Remus said, dropping his head onto the table next to Sirius'.

"Guys!" They all looked in Peter's direction as he hurtled towards them, rather more energetically than any of them believed was allowed considering the circumstances.

"What?" James asked, grimacing at his eggs.

"The whole school thinks it was deliberate!"

"_What_?!" The other three boys all sat to attention and stared wide eyed.

"Yeah, apparently everyone thinks it was just out way of messing about and stopping all this exercise nonsense," he grinned cheerfully and dropped into his seat, helping himself to a large portion of cornflakes.

Sirius' eyes glazed over as he peered off into thin air. "Our reputation is still intact!"

"Apparently so," Remus replied as a group of students walked past giving them thumbs up.

"Well, that being the case, I think a prank is in order. We can't let the teachers get away with this past week," James smirked.

"We can't prank the _teachers_," Remus scolded.

"No, you're right. They might put us through all that again. OK, let's prank the Slytherin's."

"Why?"

"Since when have we needed a reason?"

"Prongs, my boy," Sirius said, pulling his bowl of porridge back towards him and kissing Remus on the cheek when he passed him the jam, "I think that sounds like an excellent idea, but d'you know what I'd like to do first? Sleep for a very long time."

Remus grinned.

"That's the first sensible thing I've heard all week."


End file.
